i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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