So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
