So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
