if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
