I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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