Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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