It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
