Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
