If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
