Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
