His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
