I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
