Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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