sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
wanna go halves on a baby?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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