My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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