I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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