at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize