Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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