The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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