well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
