All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
