Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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