wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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