Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
