so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
