I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
