At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
