I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
