I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
