She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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