I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
