Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
