If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
