New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
