this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
