You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
