my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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