Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
