I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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