The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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