The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
