he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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