Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
