I cannot find my penis.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
