I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
