this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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