What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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