What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
