I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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