What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
