Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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