8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
