made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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