The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
